The First Political Party

Picture this...7 angry people sitting around in a circle spitting at each other.  No, it was not the committee on Ethics in Business.  No, it was not the Council of Condo Commandos.  It was the first time 7 'cave people' got together to decide whose cave the meetings would be in.

York suggested it should be Bork's cave, and Bork said it should be Kork's cave, so Kork bashed Bork's wife on the head with his wife bashing club which were popular then, too.

It was finally settled...after 3 days of bashing...to have the meeting at Mel's place.  He didn't charge them to get in...but charged them to get out (which was the people's first angry 'tax'.)  Each one had to part with one of their Iguanas or Mel would keep the exit to the cave blocked with his pet 'Dooraclosis'...the pit bull of the early cave days.

The meetings would start nice and friendly until Bork got hungry...but Mel managed to keep the hostility limited to four fierce fights before they got down to the hard issues of the day, such as who was going to be in charge of 'schlepping' the Gruntazouris up the hill for the political picnic every Thursday. Kork's wife picked the smallest twig, so she was elected to the office immediately...Secretary of Schlepping...One of the first important political appointments.

The smart cookie of course, was Bernie.  It was Bernie who figured out that the one thing that could calm down even the 'wildest' of cave cavorters was Music.  (Have you noticed that even to this day...the only thing that the most violent juveniles...criminals...trouble makers...bikers...terrorists...wild animals and agitators agree on is M U S I C.  Just look around you at a music concert.  All these people are there...smiling...cheering...caring...doing the 'wave'.  Their tattooed arms wailing in the wind to the soothing strains of Guy Lombardo's Tea for Two.  (only kidding.)  (Music seems to have a very calming influence on everybody!)  Maybe we should drop some cassettes on Iraq.

Well, to get back to the cave days and the cave waves...They 'waved' then too.  As matter of fact, the very first wave started by accident.  Someone waved at Bork's wife and that was all it took to turn a town meeting into a 'Rock Concert'...Everyone started throwing rocks at each other and it continued for days...and to this day, an Axl Rose concert is as dangerous as any.

Then the raucous caucus started.  Nobody wanted to give in to anybody on anything at anytime under any condition...which you probably have recognized by now...was the birth of the first 'political party'...and nobody played the game better than Pork...who was aptly named because of his 'Pork Belly' and his pork habits.  He knew if you controlled all the rocks, you controlled all the village.  He went right for the rock rights.

He would go up to Bork, York and Dork and whisper in their ears, "Pick-A-Cave...go ahead, Pick-A-Cave."  Then he would bodily remove the occupants and turn the caves over to Bork, York, and Dork.  They became rich in caves...Pork became rich in rocks, and that was the beginning of the PAC's!

Assemblyman Jork invited the whole village to assemble in his cave for a protest meeting and, lo and behold, so many people showed up that his cave looked like Tinammon Square.  The cave was demolished in the first ten minutes.  It was listed as the first official 'cave-in' in recorded history.

Bork, York and Kork knew they were onto something good when they formed the party and noticed all the neighbors trying to gain favor with small gifts...like stuffed salamander and millipede mousse.  It worked...they were obligated immediately.  They started singing "Hi, Neighbor!"...kissing babies...kissing ugly women and kissing tuchuses.  It was a sight to behold.

However, it didn't take more than a week before there was a huge scandal.  Apparently, DORKWORLD opened up on the location of seven pre-committed condo caves.  It was scandalous!  However, DORKWORLD ran into trouble on the very first day when Dork discovered that you can't sell 'Lava Caves' as a tourist attraction.

JOBS were not the important issue of the day.  Unemployment was much more popular.  It wasn't long before Lork started talking up the need for a two-party system.  No sooner did he mention it, everybody was driving him crazy trying to find out where and when the next party was.

Except for the "Festival of the Frogs", where everyone has to try to out jump their very own frogs...there was nothing for the cave people to do for activity except sit around and count bats all day long.  Where did you think the expression 'going batty' came from?

If it wasn't for Shmork, who got a stick and wacked the bats into the dark deep parts of the cave, you would never know who your uninvited company was.  He called it 'Batball'.  He should have won the 'sportsman of the year' award, but was shattered when he lost out to Phork for his electrifying Dirty Tricks political campaign which became the role model for most political campaigns to follow.


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