The History of Evolution
By Jerry Grant
We welcome your response.
We are living in a world where the fax machine delivers everything in seconds, the computer digests everything in sight, and television turns Hot Stars into Cold cuts. Now some of us can keep this pace, while others with pacemakers have already paid the price. So, where are we going? Okay, take a deep breath and fasten your seat belt.
First of all, Lamborghinis are up to 202 miles per hour, so don't worry about what time you'll get to 7 - 11.
If you're sick, the video phone will enable you to call your doctor, stick your tongue out at him, and get your bill and pill faxed to you before you close your mouth.
Rescue crews will reach the scene of hurricanes and tornadoes at least an hour before Willard Scott. Some of them may even live to report it.
Several airlines will get to their destinations long before air traffic controllers can connect the dots.
What's next, you ask…You've got a lot of nerve asking, considering you've done nothing to stop this avalanche of acceleration.
Alright, let's go to a restaurant. Pizza Hut shoves a table tent in your face that sez lunch in ten minutes or it's free. Of course it's free... It's from the last person who couldn't eat that fast!
I don't want to alarm anybody, but how about how fast we go from our office to our car? You've got about 12 seconds to beat the mugger.
IBM robots are working a lot faster too. They can fire 17 workers in two seconds flat.
Clothes and styles change rapidly. I watched in horror as my just-purchased sport shirt became obsolete as I descended Macy's escalator.
Your cell phone will enable you to dial 911 as your new car is headed for the lamppost!
And how about the movies? Some smart alec movie mogul will be offering two-for-one on split screens running simultaneously.
Sports events will advance to how fast you can send the other team to the hospital, and we'll have mastered the technique of invading countries during lunch break. Events are moving so swiftly in the Soviet Union that Yeltsin will seek asylum in the USA.
As for the ecology, fear not the air you breathe will be your own.
Satellite dishes will offer a bird's eye view of... BIRDS!
Politicians running for office will have to outdistance reporters. Industry decisions will come swiftly. For example, furriers discovered another use for wild animals namely, unleashing them at anti-fur activists.
11:40 a.m. the Stealth bomber will launch in the US and lunch in New Zealand.
World wide bankers going bonkers hoping the Japanese can raise their yen again!
However, nothing will match the speed of high school shoot-outs, as the cost of education will require that students pass a terrorist test!
And remember, you are the center of gravity. The whole world gravitates around you. So don't slow us down by asking stupid questions.
Consider this: You'll be able to send out for real Chinese food as the Trump Tunnel extends to China.
You will never have to be afraid of the dark, as your pocket laser lighter will light up your whole neighborhood.
Your laptop will keep you constantly awake... you doze... it goes!
A Maalox moment will become a mini-Maalox moment.
RCA will invent a stethoscope that will give stock reports every 20 minutes.
Domino's will waste no time in offering six free toppings to Euromart.
Insty Print will merge with Sir Speedy and become Sprint Print, for people on the run.
Look for high tech word processors to throw the "F" word at you under stress.
Kaopectate will work faster than the deficit. Fast breaking news will overwhelm us. "Geraldo and Dr. Ruth were actually somebody's frozen embryos"??
So what's next, you ask?
Hey, yo, just a cotton pickin' minute!
Ask not what's next my friend,